Graces upon Graces !

" With Joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." Is 12: 3

Another year has passed away. But for me a year of great happenings and wonders ! A year of great blessings! The days in which I have felt the strange and mysterious guidance of the Lord. The year which has helped me to find some of the hidden wells of graces in my life.
From days of darkness he has shown me the way, has taught me to listen to the Inner voices, has helped to live the graces.
'Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.The lord is my strength and my song, he has become my salvation' Is 12:2
But, still, at times the distrust springs up in me. Defending and offending my faith ! But the wells of the Lord are to be found where most I need them. The Lord of the 'WAY' knows me completely, and has unsealed the wells of graces, just where my soul is prone to become dry and faint.

Some times I'm foolish. I'm much offended by others. I make stupid decisions and even lose heart at my own deeds. And in my need I assume that the well is far away. But, the good and 'Gracious' Lord always through his own 'Mysterious ways' reminds me about these wells'
My soul, thy well is near, even here! Go not in search of Him! Thy Pilgrimage is ended, the waters are at thy feet!

But I must "draw the water out of the wells of salvation. The hand of faith- the simple trust in him, should lift the amazing gift to the parched lips, and thus should refresh the panting soul ! There lies the secret of HIs 'Mystery'.
Even though the wells of graces are near, hands & eyes of great Faith is needed to make it one's own.
And these wells of salvation makes one's life, full of Grace. fills it abundantly with graces upon graces !
'Sing to the Lord, for He has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world'. Is 12:5
I will take the cup of salvation, stretch out the lame hand of faith and take the holy, hallowing energy offered by the Lord !

The City of God !

God is our refuge & strength , an ever PRESENT help in trouble. We will not fear though the Earth give away and the mountains fall into heart of the sea.

We will not fear because there is a God who reigns in all His glory & power in a City - A city full of Gold & precious stones. The image of this Golden city- the city of God, the city of Joy is not that easy to perceive. Because that is where our Mighty & Holy God dwells with all his power & might. Even the mountains fall, this city will not be troubled, as God is within her, she will not fall. And Glorious works of the Lord make it even more wonderful.

'Glorious things are said of you City of God,Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise, in the city of God, in His holy mountain.It is beautiful in its loftiness, the joy of the whole earth.In the city of our God Almighty, He makes her secure for ever! '

Of course His inspired love makes us desire to be its members. But we prefer, earthly Gods before this heavenly city's holy founder.We have been trying to build our own cities-City of Man without God, which will never be complete, and will always lack the joy and glorious works of the Lord. But we still built our OWN cities, not knowing that He is the God of Gods; not of false, wicked and proud ones, but of godly and holy ones.
He who is the King of Kings and prince of peace, makes our dreams and lives the gold and precious stones of His City. Hence,"With perseverance and patience, let us make history with God because its being built by Him with Him its well constructed" ( Pope Benedict XVI)

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God , the Holy place where the most high dwells.
And I wish to be a droplet in this river, whose streams make the City of God joyful!
And yet to be still in the wilderness, knowing Him and His Joyful presence !

The Fragrance of God !

Got a mail from an old friend. Was so happy to receive the mail from that good old friend, since we were not in touch for many years. Came to know that she will be getting married soon. Was so happy for her and with much effort collected her contact no: and we talked for such a long time. At last she wished me a very good luck for these (In her words) fantastic 'Utter wasteful' 3 years of mine in Rome.

Oh to be wasted ! Yes, as 'Watchman Nee' says, its a blessing to be wasted for the Lord.And I think many of us know nothing about this. We have been used to the full - may be too much- but we don't know, what it means to be wasted on God.
"Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it in Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume." Jn 12: 3
There must be something- a willingness to yield, a breaking and a pouring out of everything to him- which releases that fragrance of Him.This is the heart of everything. And this fragrance drags others to Him, which gives an awareness of him in others.
Even if we like to be always "on the go", he prefer to have us in prison.Even if we give ourselves to him, he puts us in chains, he makes us speechless, makes us fools in this world."who knows the mind of the Lord?", but the scripture also says ,
" what no one ever saw or heard, what no one ever thought could happen, is the very thing God prepared for those who love him."
"Thanks be to God , who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads every where the fragrance of the knowledge of him" (2 Cor 2:14)
Lord I'm willing to let go all things for you. not just for your work, not for others, not for anything else at all, but all together for you and only for yourself ! And I know, Its blessed to be wasted for you !
"And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume."

THE WINTER

The winter is here! First time, I'm on face to face with the European winter. The strong, cold, shivering winds of November, make me a bit down. At times I miss the hot humid weary days in India- the true Indian summer. But, Rome is teaching me new lessons of course that of Theology but many 'great' lessons in life too, even the WINTER!

Looking around, on the streets I can find the trees with all the leaves shed, only with the trunk and the branches remaining. All the beautiful leaves and flowers have been shed. It seems a if they are waiting eagerly for the spring to come, to be more elegant with the leaves and flowers.But sometimes I feel they are enjoying the weightlessness of their being. They love their dry,white, pale beauty of the winter!

And I too wish to enjoy, really enjoy, the dryness of this winter in my life. Even the spiritual as well as the physical dryness that comes into my life.May be these are the intense formation that He wants me to go through. The more intense, the more purified, the more refined, I will be.My pride, the great security I have had before, the great support system with which I was working with, the grand plans , the successful and grand programmes of hundreds and thousands, the 'fame',the name, the power, the position, the acceptance by others, the 'know how', the great and wide friend circles-the comfort circles, the 'state of myself'...The beautiful spring time in my life!
But I never thought there will be a WINTER in my life.
The life in Rome - new language, the studies , new topics,new community to live with, new life situations, unexpected happenings,new friendships, new fellowships, new vineyards, new mission areas, new responsibilities, and also new hurts, new wounds, and still the nothingness, the uncertainty... yes, the emptiness remains ! Really like the BIG BEAUTIFUL tree in the winter- leafless, pale, white, dry, facing the strange, strong, damn cold 'winter'!
But I understand that sometimes, the Lord wants you to be 'naked' before him. With your nothingness- with the leaves shed- with all your 'powers' shed, he wants to be in face to face with you.Just to show, how immense is his love for us. Just to make us understand that his love is our only strength in this world. And now I understand, how St.Francis of Assissi could abandon everything in his life for the Lord, how he was able to be 'naked' before the Lord. How he could be 'poor in the spirit' !
All such humiliations, failures, turning asides, such wanderings, have lead me to my own understanding of HIM! The measure in which I have trusted him, I have been loving him, have been acknowledging him. And how He moulds me in my life to confront even more hard situations, Its been the measure of walking in the paths of real life. Doubt of God, pride of intellect, all these things blight and blast in life. But paths chosen for us all lead onward and upward, even when they seem to us to turn about in confusion, and to move downward to the valleys of humiliation and suffering , all what we can say is , 'He is All wise' !

And as the author of 'Cloud of Unknowing' says- "God unto whom all hearts be open... and to whom no secret thing is hid, I beseech you to cleanse intent of my heart with the unspeakable gift of your grace, that I may perfectly love you and worthily praise you.Amen."

A ring, A cup of Coffee & a Strange visitor !

A ring: : It’s the month of October. I have been here, in Rome for 3 months. But nothing has changed in me, except the language. And also my concept about rings, yes FINGER RINGS! Why do people wear fingerings? To show the power or for just a ‘show off’? As I know, it has been always a sign of security, power & peace.Whatever, now a days, I have finger rings on both my hands. I’m happy & I’m saved !

A cup of Coffee :The Italians like ‘coffee’ a lot! And of course the Indians, we do like it. Strangely, it’s been a week of coffees for me. New friendships, new relations, new fellowships, everything begin, may be end as well, on a cup of coffee. When you are done with your coffee, you would have known the other person very well.

Fr.Yesudas, a person of sarcastic jokes, as well as a person of wisdom! We met, we talked, we argued, we discussed, we shared many lighter moments, and then a cup of coffee! That was perfect.

Bro.Josh, a good looking guy of the Lord, with the innocence and joy of the Almighty, who, anxiously waits, to be touched by the anointing oil of the most high priest! We too met on a cup of coffee, it might be the last one of ours.

Again, coffees & coffees! It seems, my world revolves around on ‘cups of coffees’ here.Thanks to the coffees of Fr.Yesudas & Bro.Josh !

A strange Guest : I’m still staying in the guest room of my college. Dhanya moved away to her permanent room. I’m still here for some reasons, which I never know. On the day that she moved out, I was alone and I was sad, for many reasons. For the first time in my life in Rome, I missed my mom. I was frustrated for many reasons!

But to my surprise, I had a strange visitor then. A beautiful fair lady in a blue mantle. She had a golden rosary and her hands always in a prayer gesture.Yes, Our Lady, no, My lady- Madonna, has come to visit me. She has come to stay with me. ‘But why am I favoured, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?’ (Luke 1: 43) May be to pray for me, to be my mom here, to love me, to teach me her lowliness, above all to lead me to HIM. The beautiful statue of Mother Mary, who accompanies us in our JY prayer meetings, is in my room, to share my joy & worries. Welcome my dear mom!

Oh sweet Holy mother, be with me always & protect me from all the evil snares.‘Hail Mary, full of grace, Lord is with you. Blessed are you among the women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and the hour of our death. Amen.’

Past the memoirs!

Sitting here in Rome, in the eternal city, few memoirs flashed off in my mind.Yes, I have arrived a highest place, a blessed place where the most fervent apostle, Paul, has roamed about! This is the place to which the long, heartbreaking journey has lead me:

From my college days, from the active, programme oriented ‘campus ministry’ life, into the most passionate days I had for Him, from the complexity and abstractness of the ‘Mathematical’ life in CUSAT, into the silence of Taize, into the silence of God- where I discovered deepest craving of my heart ,from the Jubilee graces, miraculously, into the ‘Eternal City’.

But there is a silence in my heart. A silence as of the grave! It seems like a distrust in Him, distrust in myself. Indeed I’m in the grave of hopes with desperate situations around me. A kind of hopelessness surrounds me. An anxiety of the future covers me!

Will there be a ‘multitude’ again for him in the next years,to bear the fruits of the Spirit? If so, will I be there among that ‘multitude’ ?

His voice resounds in me : ‘Who will go for me? Whom shall I send?’ And I could hear the ‘Jubilee song’ ringing out loudly from my cell phone ,‘We are the people anointed and chosen, we are the prophets, a new generation. Righteous and Holy nation, sounding his Praise...Refined, renewed, in Him, Shine out !’

I remained still without the promised hinds’ feet, still outside the high places even with the promise to be laid to Him. I couldn’t stay any longer in my room. I ran to him, like the deer pants for water, to the chapel; to his refining presence in the tabernacle. I was with him for a long time, tears ran down my face. And there came a flash of fire to me right from him; a hand of steel right into my heart. There was a sound of rending and tearing. And after that nothing but ashes remained, either of the love itself which he had been deeply planted in my heart or of the sorrow and suffering which had been my companions on this long, strange journey .A sense of utter, overwhelming peace engulfed me. I could see the ashes in the alter; with complete thanksgiving, I could say “Here I am Lord !”

I repeat the glorious which had been the cause for the starting for the ‘High’ places. “The Sovereign God is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights” (Habakkuk 3:9) Yes, my hope is in the Lord. Christ is our Hope of Glory and I sing aloud,

‘Sing for joy, radiant in love...His resurrection is our celebration , and now filled with his power and grace, refined, renewed in him , Shine Out !

God’s continual Presence:

I have been thinking a lot & I was going mad, thinking over and over!I was thinking of my life, just a few months back. Yes, a normal , peaceful life which I had a few months back.

Yes I too had lots of dreams like everyone else.I have also dreamed of a life, like everyone else.I have also dreamed of a career like everyone. Dreamed of a job like everyone else.

But right now, I have lost everything. I have lost a career which once I thought will be mine.I lost the hope of getting a job, which once I thought of I will be doing. I lost everything, which I wanted once. I lost everything! I lost the very my own self!

I’m in a new world now. A world which thinks stupid of me, which has strange people, which speaks a language unknown to me, which always stares (sometimes even laughs) at me as if I’m a fool. Cloud of uncertainty surrounds me...

Why I’m here? What made me come here? Still a mystery! Have I lost everything? Why I always travel through this mysterious, uncertain way? Is this the way true for me? But it’s dark. Its pitch dark in front of me. When I close my eyes, my earlier dreams haunt me. It always bangs at my heart, why am I here? Why have I chosen this?

It’s hard for me to bear. Yes it’s hard. Its dark in front of me. It’s pitch dark.

Am I mistaken? Have I taken the wrong way? Or this is the certain way for me? Am I renewing or redefining my whole life? Am I preparing myself for a new mission here?God knows! But all I know one thing is, if you want to gain something, you have to lose something. Something that is very precious to you. And I realise that, there is a particular time in our life, in which, if we say YES to something, it is a YES forever. And if we say ‘NO’ to something, it is a NO forever.

Yes, it is a ‘YES’ & ‘NO’ for a life time, which you can never correct.There should not be any looking back. What you have lost is LOST! And I have to accept it. That is LIFE !

Once I had beautiful colours in my dreams. Now it is pitch dark.Once I was so sure of myself, now, I’m not. Once I drove my own ways lead a life of my own. Now I’m driven by some other force, which is more powerful than I can resist.

I want someone to hold on to. I want someone whom I can trust! I want someone to whom I can cling on to. I badly want an angel at my side to console me. I want a divine presence to comfort me.

‘When my heart was grieved, and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant, I was a brute beast before you. Yet I’m always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom I have in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever...But for me it is good to be near God.

Yes, all the comfortable words of God, are true and do not lie, which say, “God is our strength and refuge.” Has any man who puts his trust in God ever been put to shame? All who trust in God will be saved. Because its true that God has given his only begotten son for our salvation. If He gave his own son for us, how could he ever bring himself to desert us in small things?

I’m starting a new life here. A new way of thinking. Seeking everything anew. Seeking everything afresh, with the new spirit that He has given me.

Good & Evil changed places

Reflections of mine with Leo Tolstoy together with the WOG Luke 9.

Peter's confession of Christ (Lk 9 : 20- )
"But what about you ?", he asked. " Who do you say I am?" .Peter answered, "The Christ of God".
(other Gospels say, " You are the son of the living God".) The Gospel continues
....Then he said to them all, "If any one would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross 'daily' and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lost it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it....

One of the word of God, which has influenced me a lot in my daily life. I was recollecting, how I was trying to understand this mysterious words of Jesus when I heard a year back in Taize.At first, it didn't give me much trouble. But later, I was made to hear this again and again. It striked a bell in me, I should say it pierced my heart, it has wounded my heart a lot that no other WOG has touched me like this and yet I don't know why.I remember writing long long pages on this particular word of God then. Yes , it has influenced me in every aspect of my life from then on. I could count on how my life has changed from then on.
I have proclaimed HIM as my saviour, as my Lord, I know HIM better now, but have I understood what my cross is ?
How to deny myself ? How to deny the worldly desires in me for HIM?
Have I heard His voice in my heart? How To follow HIS will in my life ?
'To follow my heart' !

As my life started changing on this WOG, I could see how the good and the evil change their places !
Interesting !
Its like the good thief !
Leo Tolstoy explains this better than me ... :)

'All that was on his right is now on his left, and all that was on his left was on his right; his former wish to get as far as possible from home has changed into a wish to be as near as possible to it. the direction of my life and my desires became different and good and evil changed places. I. like the thief on the cross, have believed Christ's teaching and been saved. And this is no far-fetched comparison, but the closest experience of the condition of spiritual despair and horror at the problem of life & death in which I lived formerly, and of the condition of peace & happiness in which I'm now. I, like the thief , knew that I was unhappy & suffering... I,like the thief to the cross, was nailed by some force , ( of my own sins, i believe) to that life of suffering and evil. And, as after the meaningless sufferings & evils of life, the thief awaited the terrible darkness of death, so did I await the same thing.

In all this I was exactly like the thief, but the difference was that the thief was already dying, while I was still living. The thief might believe that his salvation lay there beyond the grave, but I could not be satisfied with that, because besides a life beyond the grave life still awaited me here. But I did not understand that life. It seemed to be terrible. And suddenly I heard the words of the Christ
"But what about you ?", he asked. " Who do you say I am?" .Peter answered, "The Christ of God".... Then he said to them all, "If any one would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross 'daily' and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lost it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it....

....It striked a bell in me, I should say it pierced my heart, it has wounded my heart a lot that no other WOG has touched me like this and yet I don't know why.I remember writing long long pages on this particular word of God then. Yes , it has influenced me in every aspect of my life from then on. I could count on how my life has changed from then on.....

and understood them, and life and death ceased to seem to me evil, and instead of despair I experienced happiness and the joy of life undisturbed by death.
And now I understand better,what 'Patience' is, what 'Hope' is ,& what is exactly 'Life in HIM' !