The winter is here! First time, I'm on face to face with the European winter. The strong, cold, shivering winds of November, make me a bit down. At times I miss the hot humid weary days in India- the true Indian summer. But, Rome is teaching me new lessons of course that of Theology but many 'great' lessons in life too, even the WINTER!
Looking around, on the streets I can find the trees with all the leaves shed, only with the trunk and the branches remaining. All the beautiful leaves and flowers have been shed. It seems a if they are waiting eagerly for the spring to come, to be more elegant with the leaves and flowers.But sometimes I feel they are enjoying the weightlessness of their being. They love their dry,white, pale beauty of the winter!
And I too wish to enjoy, really enjoy, the dryness of this winter in my life. Even the spiritual as well as the physical dryness that comes into my life.May be these are the intense formation that He wants me to go through. The more intense, the more purified, the more refined, I will be.My pride, the great security I have had before, the great support system with which I was working with, the grand plans , the successful and grand programmes of hundreds and thousands, the 'fame',the name, the power, the position, the acceptance by others, the 'know how', the great and wide friend circles-the comfort circles, the 'state of myself'...The beautiful spring time in my life!
But I never thought there will be a WINTER in my life.
The life in Rome - new language, the studies , new topics,new community to live with, new life situations, unexpected happenings,new friendships, new fellowships, new vineyards, new mission areas, new responsibilities, and also new hurts, new wounds, and still the nothingness, the uncertainty... yes, the emptiness remains ! Really like the BIG BEAUTIFUL tree in the winter- leafless, pale, white, dry, facing the strange, strong, damn cold 'winter'!
But I understand that sometimes, the Lord wants you to be 'naked' before him. With your nothingness- with the leaves shed- with all your 'powers' shed, he wants to be in face to face with you.Just to show, how immense is his love for us. Just to make us understand that his love is our only strength in this world. And now I understand, how St.Francis of Assissi could abandon everything in his life for the Lord, how he was able to be 'naked' before the Lord. How he could be 'poor in the spirit' !
All such humiliations, failures, turning asides, such wanderings, have lead me to my own understanding of HIM! The measure in which I have trusted him, I have been loving him, have been acknowledging him. And how He moulds me in my life to confront even more hard situations, Its been the measure of walking in the paths of real life. Doubt of God, pride of intellect, all these things blight and blast in life. But paths chosen for us all lead onward and upward, even when they seem to us to turn about in confusion, and to move downward to the valleys of humiliation and suffering , all what we can say is , 'He is All wise' !
And as the author of 'Cloud of Unknowing' says- "God unto whom all hearts be open... and to whom no secret thing is hid, I beseech you to cleanse intent of my heart with the unspeakable gift of your grace, that I may perfectly love you and worthily praise you.Amen."
